Do you know your Stress Language?
“I’ve tried yoga, but I find stress less boring”
We all speak the language of love ? acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, words of affirmation, and physical touch. But how do we cope when life's stresses build up?
A stress language is the way someone responds to/expresses stress. It's different for everyone. Knowing this can help manage relationships, emotions and understanding of oneself.
We often feel a pull towards people who are completely different from us. This might be because we secretly admire those qualities and wish we had more of them ourselves. In good times, these differences can really help us balance each other out and create something better together. But when things are hard, those same differences can become a big source of irritation and can divide us.
Want to know your stress language?
Think about how you usually react when stressed and chat with your family and friends about what they observe. This can also help you change behaviours that aren't working for you. You've got to know what you're doing before you can change it.
There are five ways people show stress, and many of us fit into one or more of them. These are:
The Imploder: This is a “freeze” response to a stressful situation. The imploder may feel hopeless, helpless and paralysed.
The Exploder: This is a “fight or flight” response to a stressful situation. This person may have an inflated reaction to a stressful situation; they might get irritable, frustrated or angry, or even leave a situation that they can’t handle.
The Fixer: This can look like appeasement, people pleasing, overstepping boundaries and even “mothering” people.
The Number: This person usually uses escapism ― such as drugs, alcohol, online gaming, overworking or overexercising ― as a coping mechanism for stress.
The Denier: This is someone who possesses toxic positivity in response to stress and can be overly optimistic to avoid reality.
These terms might sound like labels, but the hope isn't to label anyone. It's to provide a way to think and talk about stress, ultimately helping you understand the people around you.
Five common stress response patterns:
'Fight,' an active resistance; 'Flight,' an urge to escape; 'Freeze,' a state of immobility; 'Flop,' a feeling of collapse; and 'Friend,' a tendency to seek connection and understanding.
Fight:
Movement rather than stillness. When the danger feels internal, reach out for resources outside your body, such as music. When the threat is perceived as external, it helps to connect with internal resources, such as breathing or repeating a mantra or comforting phrase like “I/we will be OK.”. Avoid saying “calm down” to the other person in a fight response.
Flight:
We need a sense that we are not alone. It could be reaching out to someone to be there or creating a connection with an internal version of ourselves that feels calming and soothing. Movement, such as walking, is helpful. During a flight response, we need understanding, connection, and validation.
Freeze:
We need to move slowly or do nothing at all. We need time and space until we can resume connecting in tolerable doses. Grounding techniques, breathing deeply, gentle somatic experiences, such as self-massage.
Flop:
We need space and time to recover. It can help us use warmth, heat, and contact with different surfaces, textures, scents, and sounds or use grounding techniques.
Friend:
We need to pause and take time to process what’s happening. Learning about identifying and communicating boundaries. Learning to recognise and label feelings and needs. Support by showing curiosity about their experience and thoughts rather than solving the problem or giving advice too soon.
What to Do When Stress Persists
When stress reaches a point where it feels unbearable, and even understanding your stress language isn't enough, seeking additional support is crucial. This is especially true for chronic stress, which can have serious consequences for your heart health and isn't something you can simply ignore.
If stress is impacting your relationships, work, or your ability to experience joy, it's a sign that it has become a problem. Withdrawal, can be a strong indicator of a depressive or anxiety disorder.
If this sounds familiar, consider seeking professional help. In the UK, resources like the NHS, Mind , and Rethink Mental Illness offer guidance and support. You can also find registered therapists via the BACP website.
